What You Wanted

I remember the first time I got high in spite of you…

The smoke burned my lungs and the white powder burned my nostrils and all it did was make me see you.

So I swallowed the pills and chewed the mushrooms, trying to see anything and everything else.

Still you stood there watching me in a world of terror, shaking your head and mouthing “I told you so.”

I screamed at you to leave me alone and you put your face in mine and screamed right back.

The first time I got high in spite of you was the first time I discovered how much I loved you.

So I let my lungs burn and my eyes turned red and soon enough you were gone.

I couldn’t see you through the clouds of smoke and I couldn’t see you when the lights began to flash and my heart began to race.

Nothing made me more angry than to look up into the mirror I smashed with my fist when you told me I would never be enough.

Those cracks distorted my face, showing only those red eyes and the smeared make up and the twisted smile.

The funny thing is that this is what you wanted.

You wanted a broken soul to repair.

You wanted an addiction you could break.

You wanted someone who doesn’t sleep, someone like me.

And then you left when you realized that you can’t save someone.

I was cracked when you met me and I shattered when you left.

So I get high in spite of you, wondering who will be the next one to pick up the pieces only to drop them again.

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She

She was bleeding but her blood wasn’t red and her skin hadn’t broken.

She was screaming but there was no noise and her mouth wasn’t open.

She was crying but there were no tears and a smile was on her lips.

She was sad but she wasn’t allowed to be because she had a home and a family and a bank account.

She was laughing and it wasn’t genuine but we still laughed along with her.

She was talking about jumping from the sky but we told her not to joke about such things.

She was singing but her body wouldn’t dance.

She was begging for help but apparently it was a dramatic plea for attention and she shouldn’t act like a child.

She was told that she was loved and her heart beat for the first time in years.

She was told that she was a light that couldn’t be distinguished by the black clouds in this world.

She was a sad girl, but she fought it, even though death wasn’t an escape and happiness wasn’t an option.

She was strength, and beauty, and had the mind of a poet.

She was a beautifully stained soul and I carried her through the days when she thought she couldn’t take another step.

She was a part of my life even though she is just a reflection and no one else knows she exists.

She was me and I learned to love her even though she was the part that wanted to give up.

The Problem

She lived for peace, but would die for beauty, that was the problem…

Red lipstick only stains the party drinks and the mascara only runs down her cheeks when she’s alone.

High heels only made her feet swell and tight dresses only made her eat less.

That was the problem.

She lived for love but couldn’t love herself.

Lying between sweaty sheets from the drugs that made her look tough.

Lying to herself about the alcohol burning her throat and the hands trailing up her dress.

She lived for hope, but couldn’t shake the feeling of the empty space between her rib cage.

That was the problem.

She couldn’t live a life being happy with herself.

Her very being wasn’t enough to keep her standing tall, wasn’t enough to ground her to this world where beauty and pain are one in the same.

She stood in front of him, naked horripilated skin exposed, blood pounding through her veins and not one ounce of confidence.

She lived for him and he walked away.

And that was the problem.

When The Rain Won’t Stop

I couldn’t help but notice that ever since you came back from that house, the rain won’t stop

Every time you speak the rain beats harder and harder against the roof until I think that the whole house is going to cave in

I wish it would

Because every time I hear you sing I want to drown myself in the water that is pouring down from the sky

The lake is filling up, higher than I ever thought possible

And I find myself dreaming of the day that it will sweep up the house and take me out to sea 

Which is the only thing that can get me far enough from you

The other day while I sat watching the raindrops make pathways on the windows

You came up behind me and your greasy hands touched my hair

And I began to think that not even all of that rain could cleanse you of your filth

Sometimes I stand out in the rain, begging it to give me the sun

But when you’re around the sun no longer exists and the clouds mock my desperation

And though there was a time that I once loved you

The rain followed you home and the sun left without a goodbye

And now all I’m left with is your damn singing

That is out of tune with the beat of those fucking raindrops

And I am sickened by the thought of ever having loved you

Because when the rain won’t stop you know there is no more hope for us

Promises

You promised to hold my hand and dance with me

You promised that you’d take me to see the world

You promised to kiss me everyday, even when we were fighting

You promised that you loved me

You promised that you’d never leave

You promised that I was the only one

You promised that you’d care for me when the meds made me feel sick

You promised to fight off the voices

You promised that I’d get better

You promised that I wouldn’t give in

But when you broke your promises, I did

Infinite Lovers Pt. 2

But as infinite as we said we were

Your existence ended 

Your soul moving on to another universe

Far away from me

When your hand let go of mine 

I was sucked into a black hole

Spinning and spinning

Until I was thrown back onto earth

Where you were just a memory

And the clouds mocked our lost magic

And the sky became a prison

I searched for you in every star

Until I realized that you had been the moon all along

And I was the sun

And my love would burn for you through all eternity

After all, 

We were infinite lovers

Even if the sun and the moon can never meet again

People Say…

People say you’re evil

They warn me to stay away

But I’ve seen you help a bird fly for the first time

People say you’re not right in the head

But when you first spoke to me

I thought that no one has ever made more sense of the world

People say you might as well have no soul

But when I heard you sing

You made my soul dance

Why do people hate you darling? 

Is it because you killed a man? 

You told me it was because he hurt you

But no one cared to listen

When I think of his hands causing you pain

I imagine killing him too

Does that make me evil? 

Does that mean I’m not right in the head? 

Because if that’s so,

We’ll just have to be insane together